What To Expect When Your Wife Is Expecting Part 1: If It Doesn’t Make Her Hungry, It’ll Make Her Throw Up

Posted: June 16, 2011 in life
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Tara and I are 18ish weeks into this pregnancy thing. Every single day we laugh about something that we’re (mostly she’s) experiencing. So, I’m going to put together a few short posts of advice for expecting dads.

Up first, Part 1: If It Doesn’t Make Her Hungry, It’ll Make Her Throw Up. Trust me here.

Baby Stepp

One of these days you’ll look at a computer monitor and see your own little Charlie Brown like we did a few weeks ago. It’s a feeling that is unexplainable and you won’t be able to wait to scream your news to the entire world.

Shortly after though, your baby’s momma will start puking like a youth group kid who’s just tried the gallon challenge. At the same time, she’ll be requesting a strange array of foods that would make normal people go into immediate hurling. Like Chickfila nuggets and a banana pudding milkshake. Or watching TV as I type this and drooling over the macaroni and cheese commercial.

Vomiting: Tara was so sick through the first 12 weeks that she was given several different medicines. Luckily, one of them worked, but there were days where she was yacking 5 or 6 times. So much hurling, in fact, that I can now continue to eat dinner while she gets violently sick. Or talk on the phone. Or really anything normal.

Tara is the type of puker that just wants to be left alone. Don’t go near her, don’t offer a glass of water – just leave her be. Remember that it doesn’t matter how YOU want to be treated when you hurl, do what makes her comfortable. If your wife wants you to juggle the TV remotes with your feet while whistling ‘Single Ladies’, by God, make it happen. She’s making a baby, the least you can do is, well…whatever it is that she wants.

Hunger: Logically, when a person is sick they avoid food. To a sick person, food equals hurling (or, for you mathletes, sp+f=h). To an expecting mother food equals not hurling (or sp+f≠h). In one instance, Tara needed food so bad that she pointed directly to a Taco Bell and screamed, “BURRITO!”, which isn’t exactly strange for our household, but once we got to the drive through speaker she started hurling into the bag we’d picked up only a few hours earlier from a different Taco Bell. When the person taking your order finally repeats “1 bean burrito, no onions,” and then charms you with, “anything else?”, politely decline. Trust me.

Now, obviously your baby’s momma is making another little person inside of her – she’s going to be hungry. Full on hungry. The type of hungry where she fixes dinner for the two of you and then she eats her meal and yours. Some guys will pack on the sympathy weight, I certainly put on a few pounds right at the start, but just wait, dudes. That bag of Ruffles you had your eye on in the pantry, the neapolitan ice cream you love, the gallon jug of sweet tea you crave after work – she’ll be putting them all together in the blender for a Ruffeapolisweetea shake. At this point, the hurling may swing from her over to you.

In all seriousness, this first few months doesn’t sound fun but it really is. You’ll hear your baby’s heartbeat, see it’s little arms and legs and already be in love. Your wife may have mixed feelings about this little monster that’s causing her to gain weight and give her what looks like a beer belly. Don’t blame her for that – we’ve got it easy over there just keeping the house clean, doing the laundry, the dishes and being on call for her 24 hours a day.

Now, I’m no expert (except at random sports trivia, but that’s neither here nor there). If you have any thoughts or suggestions for soon-to-be dads, offer it up!

  1. Christian says:

    Your cool points level is greatly increased by the use of baby’s momma. Good read. Makes me want another one. I’m trying to be the only man on the planet that has one in his teens and thirties while completely skipping his twenties

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